am i living with them or are they living with me...

Every time I start writing a new post in this blog, I just give a glimpse to older ones and then I've always thought that the prior post was too foolish to write but still i manage to stop my impulses to delete the whole blog and start afresh. So I find myself wiser every time I write and thus every time there's a seemingly wiser post among the whole lot of silly ones. This post is about the same issue regarding me, am i living with them or are they living with me... i mean, the fools. I am certainly not a very intelligent kind but then most of us aren't really, barring few. Then whom to call a real fool, one who understands at least partially the basis behind all realities or the one who knows how to get the best out of the current realities. There's no point discussing the one's who are in between these two i.e. keeping a balance between the two things, they are like most of us and they are certainly the fools. A possible example of this would be the research papers. Most of us who are in writing things know how research papers go, i mean, most research papers can be dumped if each one is critically analysed thoroughly on all the grounds or at least the result can be shown to be otherwise but still each next author believes at least some of such research papers to get his things published, in that way, it is just about publishing and increasing your papers without even thinking as to what effect it would have on the truth.A person knowing these realities and knowing reasons behind it may well refrain from writing most of his papers and would be the lesser known kind while the one knowing what sells would be spoiling the truth without knowing, so who's the fool. Well I see most of the people lying in the category of moderation i.e. trying to do both the things at the same time and as i've already said I consider this as foolishness, now as till now I've not been able to think as to take which side i myself am a fool.Rather, my earlier contentions regarding "being conceptual" or being introspective are all failing now as probably that is not needed. People are wanting somebody who is travelling in the middle keeping his vision away from both the extremes and I'm failing at most junctures. At such point is it necessary to revise all what I'd thought would be needed for being successful or I should completely start afresh. I've recently read this extremely foolish bestseller "the monk who sold his ferrari", and Robin S sharma is the kind who knows what sells as he himself must be knowing when you say "you should see nothing but the goal and never stop before reaching that" an equally good saying can be that "Reaching at the goal is not the only thing, the effort behind gives the real pleasure when you reach it", so while the first saying would mean any effort, the second would be more about the kind of effort.Well, till now I've found that every place has few really "non-foolish" people i.e. whom i consider "non-foolish".

secrets..

The idea of giving a title to each post that too as a punch line really looks cliched but can't help for this one, as i have to remember it always. Generally in this otherwise useless blog I've put a lot of material which at times I feel I should delete, but then, since it has been a reflection of what I thought at different points of time, I also think the deletion as an act of cowardice due to the conflict with my current views, thus, till now I've been keeping it.
It's almost two years now since I've written anything on it. In the starting of my blog somewhere I'd mentioned that 'm an open book. To some people closer to me it may still seem so, but , everything has drastically changed in past 3 years, I would say that life has given me certain experiences which I've always cherished, though, in keeping with my neurotic tendencies to seek pleasure in pain those experiences have been more or less painful, yet, the reserve I have; has been helped me come out of all that pain or at least to live with it. In the course of my whole journey from MBBS till now I've turned quieter, more reserved and sometimes more harsh. Over the years I have been through things and situations which I would hardly like to discuss with anybody in detail, even with my closest ones. I do not like generalisations but 'm quite sure that as we progress in age our secrets keep increasing and thus a person becomes more concerned with his private life, however, the difference is that not all people become more reserve, not all people introspect in their own deficiencies which led to some things to be kept as "secrets" and not all think of them as a burden they'll have to carry all alone. Till now I'used to think that only I'm keeping them but now started realizing that even life's keeping them from me, it'l be too early to predict but it will certainly have a role in my life further ,though, i don't know how, 'coz now i don't think that 'm deciding the course of my life, it's just driven by untold truths by me and unfolding truths from life let's see what's the next one..

FreePrepaid MobileRecharge on Amulyam

	Free Prepaid Mobile Recharge
	Amulyam.in gives you free prepaid mobile recharge to users of all Indian telecom operators for completing offers on it's sponsor's websites.
	You are invited to join Amulyam by Aditya. If you do not wish to receive this type of emails from Amulyam in the future, please click here to stop recieving any mails further.

The revolutionary road:weighing the options...

Well it's the name of a movie if u know, but the idea is so near to my own life, perhaps, projecting it i can say that it's the same for everybody, hwever 'm only definite about my own case.Where 'm i heading, i've pushed as far as i could go, and it's not enough. I really don't feel the connection between me and my work, it's interesting as far as it is psychiatry but the fact that it's medicine too makes it one of the most boring thing for me. Innumerable times i've thought of going back and starting from the scratch, what holds me back..is it the time..it's too late...or is it the fear inside me of extreme failure if i drop everything, whatever it is, but something's keeping me stuck here, perhaps it is a safety or the insurance of a very "normal life" which is holding me from going back or rather from moving ahead.BUT one thing is for sure that i don see myself always doin' this stuff, always pushing... or if i do, i don see myself exploring my potential ever, i'm not doing good here cause i don' desire to do good here.sometimes such seemingly ridiculous thoughts come in my mind as leaving everything and joining a roadside animation course or something, or even sometimes a thought that since all's wasted, go for charity, but who knows, whether now i'd be able to do anything there, that's the fear and i really believe firmly that nobody and PERFECTLY NOBODY can have the courage to push me and make me do what i SHOULD do.i know that just because the things "are" going this way doesn't mean that they "should" go this way. my mind has stopped thinking, i've become a poor machine or something, i'm hurt by myself,perhaps i've lost, i'm stuck...

Motive.....

how is the life going by cannot be commented at present, only a few observations of the behaviour of life can predict what's going on inside it.Nobody, including me, can say that 'm nowadays completely amotivated, but one observation is that i seem to waste lots and lots of time just sitting in front of comp or just thinking anything without thinking anything. it appears that 'm currently fulfilling my basic drives rather than motivated to do what i want to do, perhaps it's so 'coz i have'nt really self actualized myself as to what'l give me satisfaction. i seem to be stuck at the 'security level' of hierarchy of needs. truly speaking only two paths seem to be visible, one is that of continuing amotivated or do some sort of painful self-destruction where the pain is lovable.Nobody stops me from doing whatever i want to, but the real question is when u feel so fulfilled; what will u feel the void for, and the irony is; that the so called feeling of fulfillment also does not bring satisfaction.Specifically i never feel frustated, but i truly feel amotivated..nobody can push me.. coz a push is not what i need.

Lfe score till now...

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.1
Mind:	7.3
Body:	7.3
Spirit:	6.8
Friends/Family:	4.7
Love:	2
Finance:	8.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

psychotics...the best

This is my first post related to psychiatry per se, i'm just three months old to this branch though my interest in it is older than that,still whatever i have perceived till now is that speaking in a primitive sense i somehow do not like working up any kind of neurotic case,i see people depressed anxious OCD n all but many times though i can put my self into there shoes but i really don't wish to do that because it seems to be weraing quite old shoes, the emotions which i have already experienced thiugh not to a pathological degree, i don like doing that n that makes me feel
'jus work up fast n leave, meet the criteria, reach somewhere, start the drug(meaning what cnsltnt says" that's all, i really don't like going into details of the case n feel what patient feels many times.
Quite contrary to this i really feel deeply engrossed when i see a psychotic patient with positive symptomps,well formed delusions(false firm beliefs nt shared by others), i'm at that time a kind of much involved with what patient is feeling, meaning at that time nothing seems more important than knowing what's the content, i just give a damn to diagnosis n what trtmnt to do, i'm so engrossed sometimes that i even don't like leaving the patient untill he explains all his content n his feelings regarding that,i really try to step into his shoes, n try to make him feel that i'm really trying hard to understand what's going on.that gives so much satisfaction to me, the satisfaction is equivalent to my working on computers and making computer programs(old days) when i used to do them without thinking about the results n about the time it would take, it has to be done, do hell if one says don get involved rather 'm hardly concerned if it costs a damage to my own psyche,but i really want to empathise in whole sole manner.
But very unfortunately there have only been very few cases of psychosis which i got to work up,rather a single one in real sense,others i could only talk to without doing a detail work up,that to was intersting but not much as the delusions did not involve the real world entities, i really like elaborate delusions well systematised n many times i even want to ask the question to the patient ( a picked up but which i like very much,n to those pt where there's no cognitive impairment) that "whatever u think may be right,but do u think whatever u have done till now ;has it made your life better,if not, then try not care about what's wrong just look forward to make things better for ur life." i know that doesn't help much n it's the drugs which show good improvement but whatever disorder it is, a well formed delusion really makes me feel the distress that the patient is feeling, perhaps that may not help much in treatment but that really satiates me.
from next post onwards i'd give some anonymous cases which i found intrstng.i'm not intersted in proving whether there's some disease n whether whatever is there is a delusion,i'm only intersted in the content of what patient feels.

it's all about nothing new...

Now this post is dedicated to the fact that there’s nothing new going on,rather months have passed n things do not seem to present any novelty in them,picking out the incidences of significance;once praised by a consultant and mostly by colleagues hearing the usual remark ‘u are intelligent’.there’s nothing like ‘m bosting or being modest but this kind of remark has never been significant as it has never ever brought a change in my life n rather i take it as misconception in other person’s mind for the word ‘intelligence’(perhaps it is doing what is too expected,being a good mugger or some strange notion that the specky guy gives an intelligent look),whatever it is ,all over my life this remark has meant nothing for me..so this is not new..mmmm what next...yup,i revealed my crush to the person after 10-12 yrs, now since ‘m not in it and the other person was never in it that though gave me a sense of relief but it din seem anything new..why..perhaps as a chronic smouldering disease the facts were latently manifest (-ye kya hai) all throughout the illness..so such a daring act also did not bring anything new to me,..then..for psychiatric patients ;they are always with new features new symptoms and great range of variety,so that way; it’s nothing new but expected.otherwise as usual i’m not studying,bit worried about future(crap ,when i did that),eating alot(that’s cyclical),sleeping alot(that’s persistent),bunking duties,wasting time,watching movies,looking for someone(not exactly,episodic),lazying n sneezing(as usual),mobile discharged (electrically and economically) , room messy,bike demanding care,,...delhi,mumbai,lucknow,abroad..gmail,orkut,hi5,linked in facebook,doctor's hangout etc-all checked,nothing new, so all’s as usual,not new,or perhaps i’ve done everything to call anything’s new(?eternity) or perhaps’m waiting for novelties...

choosing the path.....summed up the obsession

FINALLY GOT MY CHOOSEN BRANCH AT AIIMS
after so much haslles and lot of mind boggling leaving all branches i made a list of branches in the order i could do them rather than the order i'l get them so it was PSYCHIATRY-DERM-PATH-PSM,and finally i got waht i wanted and what i think is apt for me the branch i had initial interst in but was running here n there i 've fianlly taken up MD PSYCHIATRY AT AIIMS leaving all eye surgery n all n resigning orthopaedics at kg ,feel quite comfortable now, session starts 1st of july,only sad news being nobody gets hostel in aiims before 6 months,howewver feeling satisfied now.in psychitric assessment in medical examination the psychiatrist was amused when i answered the animal i identify myself with,i said it's goat.who thnks a lot sometimesand at orther times is just jumping around,let's see what i get more here.
Posted by adi... at 6:09 AM 1 comments Links to this post
Thursday, June 5, 2008

little self realisation..leaving orthopaedics
now this is perhaps the most crucial junction of my career life.i did work for 5 days at trauma centre KGMC as junior resident ,the work is tooo hectic,not exactly due to large no. of patients but due to unnecessary working conditions,in 5 days i lived like an animal.the HOD himslef said "this is a jail"-indeed it was,u have to keep standing 24 hours n if u get time u can sleep at the max for 1 hour a day that to if u r lucky,however i have no prob with sleep n standing, n the condition doesn't really improve till 3 years,as i saw JR-3,it was unnecesarily hectic based on the consultants bloated up notion that"we produce the best orthos in whole world"-crap, however i'm not leaving it becoz of these things but becoz i have seen the work,i have no interest in cutting and all, i think i dont hae any interst in gross surgery,i can't devote my whole life to something like that, i have come back don know what i'l do next till now,really worried(a lil depressed also to see that one thing in the world i cannot do),so till now i learnt i have no interest in medicine as well as in surgery let's see what i choose.worried alot after getting all idon't really know waht suits me,evrybody thinks of me as a fool -leaving KGMC orthopaedics,the mudit khanna college,but really i can't live in surgery i don' know waht to do now-till now with all conflicts i'm thinkg of taking up psychiatry in aiims even if i get ophthalmics,coz that's again fine surgery,i'm deadi know leving everything and then preparing again will not help coz i already have ranks to get almost all what will i do next time nobody knows,i'l have to chose now
Posted by adi... at 8:10 AM 1 comments Links to this post
Wednesday, May 28, 2008

MY selection in AIIMS..perhaps the greatest dilemma of my life till now
now it's 4 o clock 'm at home and am not able to sleep coz 'm too confused now,so much so that i feel like dying..after so much mind boggling i had decided to take ortho at a good institute(KGMC) n then suddenly this selection happened when i din even preapre fr this perhaps nobody wud believe that i did 8 hrs chatting per day in last fr month always online mode statrted learning guitar(i play crap) n wasted all my time n jus 15 days before exam i took some books and jus saw the questions i marked(very few) in formality and feeling it like burden n gave exam jus by my logic jus going by what my heart says n i got a rank 26 in aiims, i don know how it also happend in bhu is it some miracle or what i don know but it has left me in gratest confusion of my life.and evrybdy is asking how do u study, yar i waste my time to the fullest watch all the movies and always chatting and waste all my time on gadgets will that help anybdy.I always wanted to be at a pioneer institute jus fr the sake of it being pioneer, kgmu was perfect anyways and i picked up ortho not at all by choice but because of trend n checking "is evrybody happy",now getting selected in aiims out of the blue i won't get ortho there(jus one seat sure to go at earliest ranks),'m not at all intrstd in medicinal branches except psychiatry,but i may get my all time favourite psychiatry as well as my best conventional choice ophtha but now fr psychiatry evrybdy says "do u have the aptitude" i don know how to check that, n ophtha will u take it in frnt of ortho when u don have a background in ophtha- i feel why not, nobody really answers me, is it some blind trend or what i don know, they say setup is costly ,i don know if that's enuf to deter somebdy frm making his own choice.and if out of the blue i take(if i get) a 6 yr course Mch(superspecialisation) neurosurgery i don know why it is famous fr suicides in aiims and only few daring souls take it and will i be compelled to commit that(well till now 'm quite sure i'l not),all that has made me a deadly confused person i really feel like dying it seems by getting ranks 'm getting an oprtnity to mess up my life totally,and the plight is nobody can really help me but me myself.congrats adi-do hell with it buddy congrats fr what? well i'l surely write here when i take it and let's see whether i mess up my life or what.

the truman's show...in my life..

if anybody has watched that movie the title will not be difficult to get ,n for those who din' i recommend watching it.life for me till now has been as if it has been programmed the way it should be, i believe in making one's own destiny but this play of fortune has always played better games with me to prove that the destiny already written is perhaps a better decision maker than myself.when i sat fr the medical entrance exams i was confident of getting selected, i got selected in my first exam itself but could not get any good college, i left all,then in the second exam which was on a completely alien pattern to me, i prepared in around 20 days fr it, n i got a rank in state which was not good enough n with heavy heart i started preparing that was when i started learning what's exactly called toiling, i was never a kind who could sit fr hours with book , i needed peripherals all the time ,comp television and all fun stuff always, i take time out of them to study, but fortune makes it somehow, like i started preparing late after these exams to study fr next yr, after 2-3 months of vigorous studies(vigorous fr me), there was a news that the second result i passed in wud have a new counselling, i thought i won't get better colleges there, decided not to go there , then suddenly my uncle who was going to the same place forced me to go, with all resentment i went there and by shear good luck i got a seat(at that time i considered it a bad luck),i got a place which in my opinion was too bad, then after getting admission in the med. college also i got detained after much hustle and bustle due to my late admission in the college, now though i performed well in exams i was never given any certificate or so(but really i was not even craving for it anyways, i was always happy with what i got till tis time), i again sat fr one entrance and got a good rank there even after not studying for months this time. now i had to decide to leave for a better(in my opinion at that time) medical college or remain here in all problems, after all packing and all something i don' know what struck my mind that just a night before leaving i quited, i decided to remain here with all my problems,then it all passed well with all good friends and a VERY COOPERATIVE AND LOVELY BATCH OF MINE(perhaps they may not consider me that) ad i passed out and in my first attempt with most of my batch performing well i also got selected in for the master's degree that's in the next post, so where's the Truman show, it goes like this:
the first decision of choosing to go to counselling got me a seat.
the second decision to leave the college which many considered better was the best one fr this college was one of the few colleges in nation with a very good passing rate and where you get a lot of time to study n also because u were given a single seated room in the second year, in most colleges such facilities are not available and those who are medicos in this country are well aware with the problems of sharing rooms.
the same decision above turned out to be very good for my post graduate entrance which is one of the few toughest examinatins in the country.since the college was just okay u need not do a lot of work u got a lot of time to study and u get selected easily as theory is more important in all entrance exams(though that's the weakness of the system) and it was always easier to study in a single seater.
my fate also put me in the detained batch, in some ways it also turned out to be very good 'coz now nobody expected u'l do the general regular things a regular student has to do, so u r more free, remain at ur room study or roam about and enjoy with friends (i did the latter more), so always lesser pressure, also i got to understand that there's no way a difference between a so called topper and so called mediocres, all are students with almost same capabilities in different aspects, the number game unfortunately turns out to be a poor play.
so that's the way i see the things, may be 'm overestimating the fortune play but the catch is that still now when i'm selected i've got a rank which automatically(mostly) puts a pressure on the student to follow a trend and take a specific branch, it's as if i have been put to take just one. now since fortune has always made better decisions and they in long term have benefitted me i've started believing that i should take what it gives without any question. it is like the truman's show, all has alreday been decided , what i can do is just make the most out of my present, n try not hurt anybody n try to be as happy as possible.

Master's dilemma...only for medicos

it's around two o'clock at night n 'm at home as usual as an insomniac without any aim n without anybody to share anything.coming to the real dilemma now.i've been selected after many phases of depression and a lot of toiling(which may not be hard for everybody but was hard for me as i was striving in a thing that was no way anything i'm interested in )and of course good luck, got many good options which an indian medical student generally wants and almost got more than what i wanted.this is some of the few times i thank my fortune.and now the dilemma arises n that's between the branch i should take whether it be orthopaedic or paediatrics(which i always hated) or go by my initial intersts like ophthalmics and my all time theoritical favourite psychiatry.after a lot of juggling of ideas in my mind perhaps i've come to a conclusion to take the most hectic branch out of these the orthopaedic surgery, considering my own ability to fight sleep when it's not needed (like while one has to study) and my ability to tolerate harrassment by seniors i've taken this decision, whether it shows to me a better path in life or not nobody can tell but i'l strive my best to get the best out of it from all what i have, things have turned out in a way to show me that u have to take this and i've always been a slave of fortune(perhaps all are) so i'm just following what it shows to me to be the best.

the trio..

how can i forget this except by taking it for granted.me aamir,n akshat are three great friends.aamir as i mentioned below was like my childhood hero.akshat is a great connecting link,highly chirpy and emotional.the trio is really cool.seems to short a post but since there's too much happening in the trio everyday there's too much to update,so let it be totally summarized...period

the disease...

here disease means what it caually means "the disease" n no metaphor,there have been many, a fracture of fibula(still pains when i run),three sudden epileptic attacks after a head trauma (called focal seizures which are self limited cured by the age of 20 usually, n so they did),but these are unimportant,the most disabling one n the perennial disease i suffer from is one which one might think as the most unimportant one,that's rhinitis.nose block,large no. of sneezes n a thousand times whole year.now with age the attacks are not that frequent but whenever it attacks it's impossible to think,learn, do anything.it's "VASOMOTOR RHINITIS",my self made diagnosis,i use xylometazoline too much,so much so that i'm severely hyposmic now.i really feel myself blessed on the days i pass without sneezes.i even have sleep onset difficulty,n this rhinitis is related to that too,when i sleep less it turns more severe (vasomotor rhinitis is related to stress like this,even straining too much on studies etc.) n with it i cannot sleep.perhaps in few years i'l develop severe insomnia.

why at all after so many days..

this needs a special mention,a fact that makes me write such bore posts sometimes.whenever there's a failure in life i start writing,i write on blogs,on papers n even i write to unknown persons,there's one jus now so i write after so many days...

the infatuation...

now,i've always had an open book kinda structure,everybody knew what's goin' on inside me.i give away everything out of my chirpy lips even on slghtest provocation.so everybody knew it,except the person i had a crush on.nobody,would deny,it's the most beautiful n still the most dificult feeling to deal with.i was no exception.there was a girl,i found her beautiful but perhaps i was more infatuated by the dynamism n by the fact that at that time i found that she was better than me, more confident than me,n i ended up in infatuation( u can't help it).but my strange attitude was that i always felt i shud develop a 'bad boy' feeling in her,i was too girl shy,i preferred fighting with her.rather now i think i din develop any feelin' in her at all,neither good nor bad.i found nothing good enough in me to say my feelings to her(rather i know there was nothing good at all). so it was a safer method to completely clear any possibilty....chat gaya ab baki bad mein

manish kushwaha..

friendship has a meaning now, n perhaps this person has a lot to do with it for me.he was and is an intelligent person, several times i took him for granted.he told me there are few 'friends' only n what i used to reply, 'see i want everybody to like me,i know that u like me so i take u for granted now n want others as frnds to have the fun',he was a persn evry boy n gilrl used to share their infatuations with,he was intelligent,had answer to evry feeling n perhaps people loved crying their pains out in front of him.perhaps still now many of his friends do so.he's a trap for me.i hated him for 'a tight slap' n perhaps few other things,he was a martinet, i was a freewheeler, he hated abuses and slangs,i couldn't do without them.still we were friends at one point of time,i don't know why.there may b one reason,perhaps at that time he was the listener of my 'infatuation' feelings, n i needed to tell.but,anyhow i developed a love for this person (thus i say i still can't differentiate love frm frndshp).the time he envied me i tried to do everything opposite n he retaliated too.but i was hurt everyday,cudn't bear it anymore,so i said i want the companionship back,rather i begged.perhaps that's why i still beg to save relations,i have a towering ego,but that really falls at last in most cases.that's my weaknesss,'m proud of it now.

my academic infatuation..

there was a time i was dumb at it,hated it, was scolded a lot, n even cheated,got thrashed from all my teachers. god,it was a hell to pass this subject,what is it all n how do people do it.that was a commonly dreadful subject, mathematics.
it was around 8th i started developing the undrstanding of it,just too pass, but gradually it turned more into an infatuation,though truly speakin it was a matter of prestige fr me to get marks in it but i din study it for that,rather due to my all pervasive careless attitude,i seldom got the highest,that did hurt me, but i always loved it,i bought books to learn it n was fascinated about number theory n such things.these were abstract.i din knew at that time that i'l always yearn for knowing the abstract.it was a real love for me n still is.but my father wanted me to become a doctor,n rather somewhere i too was not clear of the fact that 'do i have any preference?', so i took biology,n the so called best shool at that time could not be generous eough to give me maths alongside, so i took comp,this was a subject quite close to maths,i had fair programming skills n something but actually that has never been my love.time has passed n i don think i have any academic love remaining.perhaps i still love numbers anyways.

friendship...

well that's a word which has been the nearest n dearest to me, for me i never found how was it different from love (set apart the sexual content) .in the initial years i had a very small circle,not of friends, but of the family,i nevr knew that anything else had a meaning too.i had a friend in 4-6th standard who used to show me feelings as if it's some infatuation or what,i never understood at that time,rather many people still dont that why some friends are ready to do anything (after all they r jus friends).gradually he made new friends as i was not interested at all (no at all in anyone) n at that time it din' even hurt me anyways.this was the phase of life i was doin' good in academics,a sudden change in me (some ridiculously attributte it to a severe head injury i suffered around my 5th standard) was coming,for me academics was everything now ,my school never promoted me fr sports (or may b i was alarmingly lazy when it came to sports),so i developed such a skill that even today i can't even catch a football,my so called friends took advantage, i was the one paying for the useless match bets n they were the ones playing, i always thought (n even now) that evrybody has good intentions,like i had my share of profit when they won(they seldom did),but ya all that was a fun time,even this was a time i was building the space for the biggest infatuation in my life, they promoted, competed, n ridiculed me for that.then i left the school n was shifted to some other branch close to my home n only one of my friend accompanied( i din take notice if others did).then 9th satndard was the time for few new frnds but none special.10th was the time i made new frnds n started givin value to them ( a little though), i took all for granted.academics was still my preference.

when life begun..

like evrybody else (i don know why i use such words when i'm very clear that i hate generalisations) i don remenber frm the beginning.i was a well cared child in a small family with my father striving n who got me into the best school (of course which he thought was the best) in the city.i was a real dumbo at studies then, couldn't undrstand anything.even teachers told my father that 'm hopeless,but still his perseverance n my tolerance were moving the things ahead.most of the time i felt the fact that there's discrimination,dull guys like me were bullied (well that's a rule), even then i had a feelin' that even the so called montessori teachers discriminated,there were some cute n active ones in the class n some others were like me n all small privilges like getting 'good' or 'excelent' in there work to standing in front as a leader of the queue were given to the better ones.gradually as i come off age i realised i was no different rather there were only few 'not like me'.i know now that may have jus been my own perception but that perception has given way to undrsatnd now how people develop a psychology,why do they follow a religion,why do some have a feeling of being at advantage while some others feel suppressed.discrimination is not on the basis of one thought but more on the basis of some 'unsubstantiated belief',but if there is a god(if) then he made the world in such a way to keep the balance.so my life begun as a 'not so noticed' sorto child.

jus tryin..

now this is my first blog n i'm not so conversant with the idea of writing a diary, neither 'm i perfect at telling stories.that's one reason why i gave the title as tryin' and this is the place where i'l write what i can't say that's why 'm tryn' to say.i know that's not so unique of me but the idea of writing anything is quite new to me.this blog is more of an individualised one,evrythin' written here is perfectky true n right frm the heart.